Narcissists are extremely insecure and look for ways to prove to themselves and others than they are better than everyone else. They use sex as a tool for controlling people and to affirm their superiority and greatness to themselves and others.
Sex to them is a way to garner supply in the form of admiration, attention, pleasure, domination, power, adoration, praise, worship, and so on. A narcissist is likely to tell you things, like: ‘I want to be the best lover you’ve ever had!’ and then ask you to evaluate the act afterwards.
But when they ask, they are not looking for honesty. They are looking for praise and flattery. If you dare to criticize, you’ll have to pay for it later.
Remember, narcissist is like a black hole. Regardless of how much you give them, it will never be enough. Which is why after a sexual act, no matter how intense, exciting and uplifting it was in the moment, you will feel deflated, empty and alone.
Narcissists use sex as a bonding tool to hook you on their energy. Sex can be an excellent instrument for inducing trance states, which is how they seize control of your attention.
Naturally, during deep sharing all of your attention is on your partner. Using a method called bait-and-switch, they amplify intensity and then quickly withdraw. It gives them a way to test how deeply invested you are in them.
If you are hooked, the emptiness that ensues as a result of their sudden retreat will make you crave more. This gives them a huge bargaining power over you. Now they are free to start making demands and dropping suggestions. If you don’t comply, you’ll be starved of their sweet poison.
Many victims of severe mistreatment who stay in abusive relationships admit that the reason is because the sex was so good…
As I’m sure you are beginning to see, sex with a narcissist is a form of addiction, an escape from pain. What’s crazy-making is that in abusive relationships the oppressor serves both as the tormentor and the pacifier.
Instead of your drug of choice, in this form of addiction we are dealing with powerful neuro-chemicals your own body produces, such as oxytocin, norepinephrine, dopamine and cortisol.
This makes it much harder to wean yourself off, as the chemicals are generated by your thoughts and emotional states. It can take 18 to 22 months after ending the relationship for the chemicals to return to balanced levels.
Once a narcissist targets you as a particularly attractive nexus of supply, s/he will take the chase to the extreme. In fact, the better word for it is a hunt—as in a predator hunting its prey. It’s primitive, instinctual and exhilarating.
They savor breaking boundaries and using manipulative tactics to exert their domination and extract your submission. While you think you’re dealing with a benevolent being to whom your happiness is of primary concern, the truth is exactly the opposite. This is only a story used to soften and open you up.
Feeling entitled and above others, even the law (the antisocial types), narcissists get their power fix from exploiting the naïve. Some flagrantly say that they are fully justified in their act because of how stupid people are for believing in their knot of lies.
For some, the more difficult the target is to tame, the more drunk on power they feel once they finally gain control over you. This is why you feel the instant coolness and ambivalence set in once you entrust a narcissistic pursuer.
Now that they got you, the thrill is over. Unless they push you to doing something you will later regret or that’s outside your comfort zone, such as participating in a threesome, a particularly humiliating sadomasochistic act, taking drugs, etc. If that is the case, you can be sure they will use it later to shame you and tell you that now that you’ve been stained, no one will ever want you.
The need for ever growing doses of adrenaline and dopamine (the favorite drug combo of the emotionally shallow narcissist), compels them to keep pushing you until you break or start looking elsewhere for another dose of rush and excitement.
Fearing the loss, too many people go along with the nefarious agenda of the narcissist. However, notice that even though you may comply with their requests, they refuse to give you what you need. So you lose either way.
Power & Control
Our corporate offices are filled with men who sleep with their assistants or women who use sex as a way to climb the carrier ladder. Such people reject and detest any limitations or restrictions placed upon them and get pleasure from breaking rules and personal boundaries, such as forcing you to do things you don’t want to do. It makes them feel superhuman.
Such people will get a rush from seeing a reaction on your face when you receive a naked picture of them while in a meeting. Or they will drop words and hints on a conference call that will fly over other people’s heads but insinuate something seductive to you. Only you will be able to decode such a message, making the relationship seem that much more special and irresistible to you.
Psychopaths will get a power and control fix from abusing helpless children. They will target the child that is least likely to object and fight back — the one with the sad face that clearly needs a friend.
Sexual relationship with a narcissist is characterized by intensity and almost otherworldly greatness. Especially when the heat is still on and they use all the artillery in their arsenal to hook you in on their toxic juju. Trying to make an unforgettable impression, they pump you full of excitement and elation. It’s like they are awakening something in you that’s been dormant for ages.
But intensity is not intimacy!
To narcissists, the concept of intimacy is foreign. To have intimacy there needs to be trust that takes time to build. Both partners need to be empathic, listen clearly to the needs of the other, tune in and immerse themselves into each other’s world.
If you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist, you know you can do that. But they cannot. The farthest they can go is to mirror you, pretend that they are there while their mind is completely elsewhere.
Instead of creating a bubble of security and trust, intensity introduces an element of danger. Danger coupled with closeness creates a subconscious fear of loss, making your partner appear more attractive than he or she really is. On a chemical level, coupled with oxytocin, cortisol makes for an extremely strong bonding cocktail.
The bond is rooted in trauma, not in genuine trust and respect. It is a one-sided affair meant to garner narcissistic supply.
By taking you on a roller-coaster ride, the narcissist is using you as a play thing. While it will vary from person to person, what they are after is to see reflected in your eyes the awe you feel as they rise you up and the despair as they drop you down. They crave the power they feel knowing that they’ve managed to blow your mind.
A Human or AI?
While potentially mind blowing in the beginning, over time sex with a narcissist tends to devolve to becoming purely mechanistic. It’s all technique, very little connection. Think eyes closed, head turned away or looking down upon you like they own you. If there are mirrors nearby, expect the narc to look at themselves, their hollow eyes filling with self-adoration.
The somatic narcissist may exhibit some skill from having had so much practice, but that helps little when the connection is shallow and emotionally unsatisfying.
If you struggle from low sense of self-worth, sexual rejection will surely work to deepen the wound. The contrast of being coveted strongly only to be dropped like a used piece of clothing once conquered can cause unbearable pain and anguish. The mental rumination that ensues as a result of such treatment can lead to highly unbalanced states and the devastation of inner order and shaky sense of self.
Things like stability, marriage and parenthood are not interesting to narcissists. They will pursue them because they think they have to. It’s a way for them to hide their true intentions behind the image of a perfect family. It’s nothing more than a front.
Feeling restricted, limited and bound, they punish their partners and children for robbing them of living out their freedom. They become the neglectful or tyrannical parent. The cheating husband or wife.
Another way narcs punish their partners is by withholding sex after rousing you with a flurry of sexy texts and insinuations. They can go farther and serve you a full-on foreplay only to drop you cold and call you a dirty nymphomaniac.
I’ve heard stories of narcissists provoking a fight to create an excuse and drive off with squeaky tires to be with their lover. It’s easy for them to abandon their partners and lovers without a hint of remorse.
Steps to Recovery
Shame is the lie someone told you about yourself.
Recovery from a devastating relationship with a narcissist can feel slow but it is possible. It will take a deliberate effort on your part to delete the destructive programming of the abuser and replace it with positive, nurturing set of beliefs.
Here are seven steps to recovery:
1. Realize that what happened to you was not your fault. You likely gave the relationship your all, which of course was not enough. While you did participate in the dance, you were manipulated and outmaneuvered. Having had early training in tolerating pain and abuse made it easier for the predator to exploit you.
2. Get rid of the things that remind you of your ex. Delete pictures, donate the gifts and memorabilia and throw away the rest. Block them on your social media and direct all email correspondence to end up in the junk folder. If you can, block their phone number or change it entirely.
3. Don’t expose yourself to arousing material. If you need to sexually discharge, try to not fantasize about your ex. Instead, you can envision a benevolent imaginary figure, such as an angel to stand by you and protect you in moments when you feel alone.
4. Get physically active. Releasing stress and producing endorphins can tip your mood in the right direction. You don’t need sweat-inducing intensity to reap the benefits. A walk in the park while breathing fresh air will suffice.
5. Channel your creativity. Sexual energy and creative energy are supposed to well up from the same spring. Instead of ruminating on your ex, gather up the words clouding your mind and write a poem or a song. Use your energy to create a painting or express yourself by building something with your hands. You will build new neuro-connections and have something tangible to represent at this stage of your healing.
6. Do self-inquiry. One of my favorite tools for self-discovery and transformation are Julia Cameron’s Morning Pages. Spilling your thoughts free-style onto three blank pages of your journal shortly after waking up helps you empty your mind of repetitive ponderings and even see deeper patterns in your thinking. Knowing why you believe and act in certain ways is the first step to taking control of your life.
7. Look into the bright future. The fact that you’re going through this very difficult time doesn’t mean that you will have to stay there. While it is wise to take time off from dating to work on and heal yourself, know that the world is full of healthy, loving people who would give a lot to have you as their friend of a partner.
To dive deeper into how sex with a narcissist is likely to affect you and understand the difference between somatic and cerebral narcissists, click on the video link below.
I hope this post was helpful to you and look forward to meeting you in the comments. Your ?? are the rocket fuel that inspires me to keep up this work.
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If you are suffering from the shock of being subjected to narcissistic abuse, have a look into my FREE three-step SOS program available on my website.